10 Realities About Bullying at School and Online

In spite of national campaigns against bullying, including legislation in some states that punishes offenders and imposes strict reporting standards on schools, as many kids as ever report being victimized by their peers. The most recent survey by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention on youth behavior showed no change in reports of bullying among high school kids, on school property, between 2009 and 2013. According to the US Department of Education, up to 22 percent of 12-18 year olds claim to having been bullied by their peers.

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Thandi speaking out against child abuse

RAISING A CHILD 

If I were an Angel I would protect you

If I were a man I would never reject you

If I were your friend I would never use you

If I were your father I would never abuse you

If I were your Brother I would defend you

This is the behavior one would expect to

see in every home – so why do we

keep quiet? – It is time to correct –

to speak out on the subject.

To say   NO !   DON”T TOUCH ME !

You’re my Brother not my lover

You’re my father – my mother’s lover

You’re my Uncle – you’re supposed to advise me

Please don’t kill my future – don’t kill my dreams

DON’T DESTROY ME !

I’m only little, I am still young

I can’t defend myself – you are too strong

Please help me and guide me in the way I should go

Not in your interest – but where I can grow.

Not where regret and pain and guilt is piled

It takes a moral household to raise up a child.

 

Faithfully your friend,

Thandi.

(Copyright)

 

 

Ambient Abuse

AMBIENT ABUSE

Unless someone like you cares a whole awful lot, it is not going to get better. No it isn’t.

We have all had dealings with people who insinuate that we are always wrong, at almost verything.

A friend of mine had a mother in-law who started every sentence to her with “No my dear….” (Imagine!)

These people deliberately create an atmosphere around us all the time when not outright trying to belittle us – creating fear by intimidation, unpredictability, instability which is irritating at its best and soul destroying at its worst . They provoke confrontation or subtly sparr for a fight. Insinuations is like gas being turned on in the room, waiting to ignite. The insinuations are always one-sided which makes the other party question their own sanity or memory of events. It strips them of their values and beliefs as they are confronted with accusations such as;

“You are imagining things.” (When you know you’re not).

“You have no idea what you’re talking about.” (When you are stating facts).

“You’re always overreacting.” (When you are reacting as any other person would).

“I never said that.”  (When you know they did and you are not mistaken).

“You are reading more into this than was intended.” (If you mention other noticeable observations as well).

“You are always accusing me of things.” (When you know they are lying or cheating).

“It is not possible for it to have happened like that, you should get the facts.” (When you gave them nothing but facts).

“You are always so suspicious” (When they have given you ample reason to be).

“I wish you’d stop being such a drama queen.” (When they are creating the drama).

Each time you question your judgement, you go into silence and walk on eggshells around them – careful what and how you say things so as not to upset them. Friends may drop by for a visit and you try and stay out of the conversation for fear of being shot down in front of them. You feel miserable and alone. Your confidence starts to wane until you are too scared to open your mouth.

You may talk to a friend or a councillor. Ultimately though, this is a poisonous relationship. It undermines your self-esteem and your self-worth. It breaks you down at a level where you start feeling worthless and it will show in ways you will not have expected.

Other than trying to get away from a person like that, be careful not to neglect yourself, your hygiene and appearance. If you feel downtrodden, it affects your morale and you will stop doing things for yourself as you start feeling devalued and unworthy. This is a mistake.

Start taking more time for yourself and maintain your hands and feet, your hair and appearance. Buy a bright colour lipstick just for the hell of it and try and find optimistic friends who you can see on your own, from time to time. Read some good books which will help you keep conversation with anyone – if you are told “You have no idea what you’re talking about” or “It is not possible for this and that.” You can go to the page in the book where you read it. They will probably still argue that the author does not know what they are talking about, but that’s okay – If it is a reputable author he/she does not have to be defended, but it takes the focus off you.

Realise that this is the type of person they are and that praise will never be forthcoming. It is helpful to figure these things out before advancing a friendship or relationship.

Unless you care a whole awful lot and have a strategy to improve the situation, nothing is going to get better. No it isn’t.

This is not marriage material. If you find yourself falling in love with this type of personality, better you quickly shift your focus to someone else.

Faithfully your friend,

Thandi

Emotional Abuse

(EXAMPLES are listed below my notes).

This type of abuse is most sinister. It is designed to attack the character of the person by weakening their defense. If someone calls you names, it is usually done to silence you. It is your job to find out what it is.  Do you know something about them they are afraid you might repeat?  If you have a fall-out with a friend, this form of attack is common. They are afraid of what you might say and try and bully you into silence as a form of self-preservation.

It will serve you well to learn this lesson while you are young. NEVER tell anyone a SECRET that will embarrass you should it come out. You will therefore never have to resort to “silencing tactics.”

Malicious remarks always begs the question “Why are they being spiteful and unkind?” Understand that these remarks often come from within their own insecurities or lack of love and acceptance at home. They are looking for attention and acceptance from those they can influence – even if it means others become a casualty. They have a warped idea that it is funny and that they are popular – you know the saying, “Blowing out someone else’s candle so you can shine brighter.”

The problem with this type of abuse is that it is often subtle – as if they are joking. The moment this starts, take note of it and confront it. For example, a friend says something (often habitually) like “Don’t be stupid, I will never do something like that!” PULL THEM UP AT ONCE !  Do not let them get comfortable speaking to you or others like that. Immediately say something like; “No, nobody is stupid here, at least not me (or them) and I equally accept that neither are you because you too are intelligent enough to know what is good or bad for you.”

The point is that you have to have these words ready in  your mind at all times because (it seems) we never have words to retaliate when that moment comes. It always leaves us with regrets afterward about what we could or should have said in that moment.

Choose your own words carefully so that you do not become an abuser yourself by lashing out with an equally aggressive or insulting tongue.  Understand that these persons act from feeling insecure, unloved and are desperately trying to fit in. They often do this to their own detriment as the only place they end up fitting in are with the worst crowd. These people often end up in gangs just to fill this basic need.

If they were to learn at an early age that their behavior can be changed and that they can become more likable, they are often willing to try. Sometimes it takes someone else to sit them down and communicate with them to uncover their underlying hurts. Yes, it is up to us to try. Often they got to where they are because they have been rejected so many times that they became what they most hated in others.

As a future leader, you need to know that there are many people around you who are hurting. Try not to add to it by meeting an insult with an insult. Acknowledge that their meanness has less to do with you – and more to do with their own insecurities.

You will not win all the battles, but until you try you will never know.

Faithfully your friend,

Thandi

EXAMPLES OF EMOTIONAL ABUSE

Brat, sissy, skinny, gay, fat, retard, loser, freak, zit-face, useless, tattle-tale, worm.

MAKE FUN OF PHYSICAL IMPERFECTIONS

Big feet, body size, shape or colour, stuttering or lisp, buckteeth (over or under-bite), nose shape or size, ear size, knock knees or pigeon toes, short or considered too tall.

PURPOSELY EMBARRASSING SOMEONE

Blurting out a secret you were entrusted with, repeating an embarrassing incident, pointing to someone’s faults, retelling of an awkward moment, being a bitch.

MAKING FUN OF SOMEONE’S LEARNING AND SCHOOLING

Negative comments about their reading or progress, comparing them to someone ‘better’ to make them feel bad about themselves, making fun of their projects or art, telling someone their question is stupid, telling them they are stupid and will never amount to much, that they are a failure and will never be a success at anything.

LAUGHED AT AND MADE FUN OF

For tripping or falling, for crying over a pet that died, for showing kindness or sympathy to someone not considered ‘worthwhile.’ For falling for a bad joke.

EMOTIONAL REJECTION AT HOME (BY SIBLINGS AND PARENTS)

Ignored, rejected or shoved aside for a ‘new favoured one.’ Told to keep a distance,

Pushed away when looking for comfort or affirmation with words like ‘Don’t touch me’, ‘keep away from me’ or threats of beatings. Refusal to hug or forgive. Never being told verbally that they are loved or treasured. Talking over them on purpose when they are speaking as if not interested in what they are saying. Ignoring them when they ask a question.

PUT DOWN HUMOUR

Families say hurtful things to each other pretending it was a joke, soon friends use those examples on others. Getting a hurtful point across in a malicious way is never funny.

Name calling (face to face or behind someone’s back). Siblings are known for this type of behaviour. Instead of building strong ties, this often destroys both families and friendships.

No Daddy, it hurts !

 

 

 

WHEN YOU ARE A CHILD, WHO DO YOU TRUST THE MOST TO LOVE YOU, PROTECT YOU, GUIDE YOU AND TEACH YOU RIGHT FROM WRONG?
I was born in Namibia in October 1966 to a mother who was pregnant at only 15 and a father who was 22.
A father, I believe, should be the head of the house, someone for the family to look up to and someone who cares for his family above all else. My father was not that person. My father fought violently and physically with my mother and would not come home at night. My father would beat my sibling and me as punishment.
My father chose not to love me as a father loves a child, but instead to love me as a man loves a woman. 
No one ever suspected that there was anything amiss in my family, to the outside world we looked like an everyday family with nothing to hide. Everything was covered and hidden so well there was no reason for anyone to expect anything else unless they chose to dig deeper.
The sexual abuse that I experienced as a child started at the age of 3 and lasted until I was 13. That is when I realized that what my father was doing was not right and not acceptable. I kept quiet for 16 years out of fear for my mother’s safety because he told me that he would hurt her if I did not keep it a secret.
I was sexually abused as a child the hurt never goes away, it leaves a deep scar. On the other hand it also made me stronger and given me purpose in life, and that’s me giving you a chance to save your child from Sexual abuse! I reach out to all you parents and caregivers to read my book. It is very graphic as people hear about it but don’t actually visualize it, you should feel the pain for the child and you should feel angry, sad and want to make sure that you are needed to protect and love your child like a parent would. My hope is that it will also help parents and caregivers recognize behaviors in children that could be related to physical and sexual abuse.
The world is sadly so full of sick and deceitful people who harm children and my wish is that parents and caregivers will educate themselves about child abuse and in turn educate the children in their care. Children need to know from a young age what is right and what is wrong, they need to be empowered so that their childhood is not stolen from them the same way it was stolen from me and so many others.
I grew up and married a wonderful and supportive man with whom I have a beautiful daughter. We have done our utmost to be the best parents to her, shielding her from harm, guiding her and providing her with a safe and loving home. We have loved her like all parents should love their children we have loved her like I wish I could have been loved by my father.
I have included my family history which is very interesting and has twists and turns in it. Actually interesting is not the correct word!

If my experiences save even only one child from pain then they will not have been in vain.
I am Charmaine, and this is my story.

Her book currently sells at R100.00 only.

To purchase contact Charmaine +27827854246 or email charmsmack1@gmail.com