WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE?

Life’s greatest secret revealed…………………….

DON’T YOU JUST HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE TALK ABOUT YOU BEHIND YOUR BACK?  AND WHEN YOU UNEXPECTEDLY APPEAR ON THE SCENE THEY CHANGE THE SUBJECT – BUT NO ONE CAN LOOK YOU IN THE EYE

  • YOU KNOW YOU HAVE BEEN DISCUSSED.
  • YOU ARE SURE IT WAS IN AN UNKIND FASHION
  • YOU ARE EMBARRASSED FOR THEM AND FOR YOURSELF
  • YOU ARE UNSURE HOW TO ACT OR WHAT TO SAY
  • YOU FEEL YOUR SELF-ESTEEM TAKING A PLUNGE
  • YOU WONDER WHAT WAS SAID – HOW BAD WAS IT?
  • YOU FEEL BETRAYED AND DISLIKED BY THEM
  • YOU THINK ABOUT IT FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK
  • YOU FEEL HURT AND YOU START AVOIDING THEM

THEN IT OCCURS TO YOU THAT YOU HAVE DONE THE SAME TO OTHERS BEFORE ………………………..

BETRAYAL – Why do these things happen? I can explain it. It will take you back up the page in the end and you too will understand it.

THE MOST WELL KEPT SECRET

Life wants to reward us for every good thing we do – it’s like a Universal Savings Account where points for our good deeds are deposited and added up every now and then.  We receive payment in the form of good or great things happening to us. Things that we cannot achieve in the natural world, even if we tried hard.

Many times these good or great things come unexpectedly – like a compliment from someone you really admire, or someone you thought had not noticed you, suddenly invites you to their party. The bicycle you dreamed of shows up from the most unlikely source or someone sends you money out of the blue. As an adult, you may land yourself the most enviable and well-paying job – or get a promotion you did not expect. Sometimes things can be so great as to be miraculous, other times they are just little things that make your life easier or happier.

But here’s the deal. Every time you badmouth someone, gossip about someone maliciously or spitefully, (deliberately harmful) life takes back her gifts. The thing you need the most does not arrive. The frustrations in your life doesn’t let up. It is as if the heavens have conspired against you and you remain frustrated. Nothing seems to go your way. The credit balance in your points account has vanished into thin air.

All you have to do is to remember the last time you deliberately and maliciously gossiped about or badmouthed someone and you will clearly see why you are suddenly so stuck and why nothing seems to work out for you.

Try this for a few months and see how your life changes dramatically – then see.

People often ask me (as if I am the sole authority) “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

Well, I concluded that the ‘Good’ people also partake in malicious gossip, and similarly suffer just like bad people reap what they sow.

“Apparently” Good people are sometimes more malicious than “obvious” bad people. They just hide it better behind a facade of goodness. Now that you know, please tell others also – let us help ourselves to heal a very sick planet and get rid of unkindness so that we may benefit from the Universal gifts.

WE ARE ALL CONNECTED – WE NEED TO SEE THAT. When we speak ill into the lives of others IT AFFECTS US TOO.

Bad things have happened to me too, and for the same reasons.

I wasn’t always an Angel, you know!

Faithfully your friend

Thandi

,

Self-esteem

Blooming Time. A time to feel special.

In my book “Blooming Time” we discuss issues of self-esteem and the impact it has on us girls if we don’t understand the building blocks to a healthy self-esteem during our development years.

Although there are outside influences which will seek to burst your bubble and try and keep you small, pay them little attention.

The biggest obstacle to a healthy self-esteem is in your own beautiful head. The self-talk that you have going round and round.
You know what I am talking about?
This usually happens when you compare yourself to others and find yourself coming up short. We all do that at some point or another.

Self-criticism or “OVER”-self-analysis is not a good thing. How do you find value in yourself? By listing all your good points.
Here are some tips to monitor your self-growth.

1) Get a notebook and pen and start recording what you see in your mirror (write it down). List everything about your physical appearance that you are happy about. If you have good teeth, start showing that off by learning how to smile broadly. Practice this in the mirror. If your teeth are not one of your better assets, learn to smile in a way that will conceal most of what you perceive should be concealed. With practice, you will get it right.

Next, list things like eyes and eyebrows, cheekbones, nose, neck, etc. These are all features which, when you analyze them independently, you will appreciate them more. The fact that you have eyes that can see, is good enough reason to consider them an asset. If you find them too close together or too far apart, is not as important as the fact that you can see. Listing your assets is more important than listing your perceived faults.

2) If you have unruly hair, practice the various ways in which you can style your hair that suits your face shape best. If your face is narrow,or oval shaped, certain styles will enhance your natural profile. If your face is round or square shaped, other styles will be more suitable. Hair is very important to all girls and it is something that we can change for the better. Write down your face shape and which styles you think is more flattering than others.

3) Whatever your body type, you will find some things you can appreciate. You may have fairly decent legs or an attractive waistline. You may have a big bone structure which will determine your overall size. Listing the positive points will help you determine what to do next. If you are very overweight, you may want to watch what and how much you eat. Maybe you have a sweet tooth that you need to tame or you may have a medical condition (like an under-active Thyroid) that needs medical attention.

5) Your choice of clothing should never come from the influence of fashion magazines, but rather what is best suited to your body type. For example, if you have a large torso, a loose-fitting top will be more flattering than a tight fitting top. Play around with your wardrobe and see which items of clothing compliment your body type best.

6) Look at your legs, feet, arms and hands. do you spend time on your feet to keep them looking groomed? Do you keep your fingernails in check? If you wear nail varnish occasionally, be sure to remove the varnish as soon as it shows signs of chipping or wearing. Your hands are always in view and is one of your assets.

7) Now that you have a list of physical “assets,” let’s take a look inside your head. What thoughts do you have going round and round? Are they thoughts of self-criticism? Are they thoughts of comparison about someone you perceive as prettier than you?
Every 30 minutes or so, ask yourself this question.

WHAT AM I THINKING ABOUT?

This is going to give you surprising insights into your mind.
Write down the things you were thinking about for a period of one week. At the end of that week, see how many times you were thinking critical thoughts about yourself (or others) and how many times you compared yourself to others (even their situations in comparison to yours.)

This is a most revealing exercise as you will see. It will clearly show you how much time you may have wasted on useless thinking.
To get your mind on your side, start doing the following:-

Start feeling happy (inside) for no reason at all, until your face lights up. Your girlfriends might ask what secret you are keeping from them. Happiness cannot be hidden. Next, start thinking about how well you did in a specific test and how good you felt. When someone paid you a compliment or your parents thanked you for cleaning the house, how did it make you feel? Duplicate that feeling in your mind.

Cultivating kind thoughts of yourself takes a bit of work, whereas condemning thoughts about yourself seem to arrive randomly and without any effort on your part. Feed your mind with positive and loving thoughts about yourself.

If you have any questions about this post, please feel free to ask them in the comment section. We can look at future posts answering specific questions that will benefit our readers.

Faithfully your friend,
Thandi

,

WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?

Can you fall in love with who you are? (The Tower of strength)

AND NOT with who you think you are! (The little grey mouse)

If we compare ourselves with others often enough, we soon find out we have become little grey mice. We need to re-evaluate ourselves every now and then, and write a new love story to ourselves. A story of pride, strength and overcoming.

Who you are, is not about what you look like or the colour of your skin, it is about who lives inside your skin. You may not always be able to access your strengths or even acknowledge them but they are there, inside of you. You know that you are more than what you see in the mirror.

You are also more than what you feel most of the time, especially if you are depressed a lot – you learn to feel like that little grey mouse. If you focus on how you look and what you feel like often, I suggest you change your focus to who you are and start to develop that part of yourself. Paying too much attention to how we look and feel keeps us stuck. Let’s look at how we can grow our character instead and how do we learn that?

Our real growth happens when our character is being tested. This is a hard one, yet this is where we experience most of our self-doubt. An example; How many times have you left a place and thought to yourself; “Darn, I should have said that, I should not have kept quiet, I could have done that, I am sorry I did not think of……………….And you feel like the little grey mouse. You wish you were as confident as Betty or a witty as Mpho or as charming as Daisy.

The reason you keep a notebook with you at all times throughout the teenage years is to write down those things you should have said. You may need them in another situation down the road, by which time you should have rehearsed them well. The other reason is, you never know when something you hear or read is linked to what you need to know for self-growth.

Building your character is not as easy as you might think and not something you create by design only, although it helps when you conscientiously work at it. The influence others have in your life also helps to shape it (for better or worse). It seems to happen randomly and when you least expect it, someone will try and test your wits or sling an insult or take some or other cheap shot at you. Very few people I know have an appropriate answer to these assaults.

When you encounter difficult people or situations, you don’t have the time to ask “Which part of my character do I need to work on now? Is it patience, kindness, understanding? Or is it time to say  NO, STOP, OH GO AWAY, I’M NOT DOING THIS!”

We have a misunderstanding about the word Assertiveness  but I want you to learn this word and think of it every day. It has nothing to do with pushing people around, bullying or getting our own way, but it stops us from treating ourselves like little grey mice. Let’s look at what this can do for you.

  • Being assertive is a great character builder and will help you feel good about yourself. When you feel manipulated in any way, you become frustrated and even angry. A real ugly and unlovable quality. If you encounter these feelings a lot, you will have reason to stop loving yourself as you should. You will become these feelings you identify with. Rather become a bit more assertive as it seems this is a vital link to building self-esteem. I want you to go and look up the word in the dictionary and also find synonyms in the thesaurus. That will give you a great idea of what it is, and what it isn’t.
  • We often don’t love ourselves because we compare ourselves to others. What if you compare yourself to me, just to find out I am busy comparing myself to you and I also don’t think I weigh up? We have to spend this energy and time on building our own character and our own self-esteem and self-love – not waste it on envying someone else because we perceive they are perfect.
  • This is where positive statement signs posted up everywhere around you become invaluable as it keeps you focussed. I have one on my bedside table, it says: “I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO IS REAL – EVERYONE AROUND ME ARE HARMLESS FIGURINES IN THE GAME I INVENTED – TO AMUSE MYSELF AND TO TEST MY OWN CHARACTER.”

Go to our blog page and find the story ‘WE ARE OPEN.”  You may want to copy some of the notes you can stick on a piece of board or write in your diary.

Accept people with all their beauty and perfections as you perceive it but do not insist that it is at your expense. You and I have some great things going for us and it is time we recognised it. Make a list of all the things you can think of that you’re okay with about yourself and see that list grow over the next few weeks as you concentrate on it. I know of a few things I can immediately put on my list and I’ll share them with you.

I am a hard worker, I don’t quit, I am loyal, I am friendly and sometimes funny, I have pretty feet, I can say NO. I also know I am not yet that tower of strength that is possible but I know I am growing in character every day because I focus on it. Not my Ego, my character. I am also working on becoming a bit more assertive. I hope you do too.

Faithfully your friend

Thandi

We are OPEN.

There was a lady who opened a small shop.
After a month she became saddened that no one came into her shop.
She knew that, without customers, her business was doomed to fail.
She mentioned this to her daughter who asked to see the shop and instantly noticed the problem.
She said “Mum, You need a sign on the door that says ‘we are OPEN’.”

I am a great believer in posting signs all over the place, and since I read this little story
I have made some signs which I stuck on a cardboard backing and hung on a wall.
I keep adding to this all the time.
We are all different and different things matter to each one of us, but this is a fun way
of getting to know yourself simply by starting your sentence with I am open to……

I AM OPEN
I am open to receive kindness
I am open to receive respect
I am open to receive abundance
I am open to learn new things about myself and about others
I am open to do good and to receive good
I am open to being corrected by someone else
I am open to apologise when I was in the wrong
I am open to receive love
I am open to behave better as a Son/Daughter/Citizen/Pupil
I am open to curb my temper
I am open to softening my tone of voice when angry or upset
I am open to learn how to reason with a sound mind
I am open to embrace the value of my own life
I am open to embrace the value of someone else’s life
I am open to forgive someone (or at least try)

Sometimes we need to be kinder to others – sometimes we need to be kinder to ourselves.
I am sure you can make a list that will help set you free or help you to grow.
We are all struggling with something or other – but we must also be willing to surrender some of the baggage. Go make your list and put it up where you can see it, so as you can act on it at will. Then try and stay open to what you have agreed to. If you chose “being corrected” as something you  need to become open to, then do not fight it when it arrives. Take the message graciously from whosoever corrects you and move on. Do not let pride stand in your way, that will make you arrogant which is contrary to this lesson.


Some things you cannot do – but there is a lot you can open yourself to. Embrace it, do it and set yourself free.

Your personal growth and development is your responsibility. You have the opportunity to learn much at a young age which will benefit you in your future.

Don’t forget to make notes on everything that speaks to you – it will help you in your future and it will help others to have you as their role model and leader.

Faithfully your friend,
Thandi

,

Teen Moms

https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCQA1BP64hgYBVi3cHcKyG7A)

Watch this short, fun video for some sound advice on raising kids. 

 

ADVICE FOR TEEN MOMMIES TO REMEMBER.

Teens are not emotionally equipped to deal with parenting – this comes with maturity. Don’t despair! You can practice some things daily and get it right. Whatever you have a problem with, ask someone. If the advice sounds foolish, you are not obliged to take it. If it sounds sane and reasonable, follow it by all means.

I found this train of thought in a magazine on parenting.

“Spoiling a child all the time is not the greatest way to raise a child. Discipline, however, does not need to be heavy handed at all. I do not believe in spanking babies because their memories only start developing around two and a half years of age (30 months). Spanking them,therefore, does not teach them anything other than to fear you” – not a good thing if you want to be a loving mommy. If a baby cannot remember why you spanked them or is unteachable at that tender age, there is a subconscious memory that stores emotions! Remember this. Emotions like fear, hate, frustration and a host of other undesirables is the foundation this individual will unconsciously build into his belief system about himself, about you and about the world.

If the above is true and correct, then how does one discipline a child from young? Google has tons to say on this matter. I liked this answer the best.

“Teaching your little one from young to respect a certain word NO (in a certain tone of voice) and a certain way you shake your head (from side to side) will soon teach them that, no matter how much they want to push the boundaries, you will not be swayed. Reserve this word, tone and head movement only for discipline and do not use it all the time – only when you want to exercise necessary discipline. You do not have to raise your voice at all. It is a persuasive action rather than a reprimand“.

So it seems the area in which young parents can go wrong is when they give in too quickly to stop the tears or the demands. (This sends confusing signals to their minds that “NO” can always mean “MAYBE” if they scream loud enough or shower you in tears.)

Practice makes perfect and you will do just fine.

Remember that a child who is not disciplined when young will grow into a demanding and self-serving adult. Don’t be afraid to ask for advice and act only on the advice you think will help you be a better mommy.

I would not pour wine over Ice cream, though – It sounds gross!

Faithfully your friend,

Thandi

 

,

ASPIRATIONS

When you were growing up, did you stomp around the house in your Mom’s high heels?

Did you put tissues or oranges in your dress?

I think most girls do that because of our inborn instincts – that we were created for something quite magnificent. Girls become aware at a young age that our destination is to have a family of our own one day. We game-play from a young age with dolls, pushing them in a stroller, changing their nappies and bathing them. If the doll needs feeding, we improvise with oranges or tissues – so our plastic “babies” will stop crying. Every girl child emulates others of the same gender. We watch them closely to see what they do and copy that. The way we spoke to our dolls, was copied from absorbing the actions of adult females with babies.

Baby books – If you observe new parents, they are constantly pre-occupied with the comfort of their first-born. They do everything by the book (and hundreds of books on how to care for a baby, line the bookshelves). As we grow up, fewer books on “How to raise a growing child” line the bookshelves.

Teen Books – By the time we get to adolescence, our parents have long stopped buying “How to” books to try and appease us. This is the time we really get to know our parents (and how intolerant and unsympathetic they can be).

As confusing as the teenage years may become, it is also a time where we get to know ourselves. Because of the hormonal activities playing a major role during these years of puberty, we move from one confusing attitude to the next. We forgot how pleasant it was walking with our plastic doll and pretending we were grown up. Life becomes much more complicated.

If I asked you to go back to the age when oranges represented boobs and high heels represented adulthood, what were your dreams back then? What were your aspirations of “When I grow up….”

As a teenager now, has any part of your “younger self” survived? Have you stopped copying the actions of others in order for your authentic self to grow? Are you following your original path to fulfil the list of aspirations you held so dear when you were younger?

Do some soul searching to determine how far you might have walked away from your own dreams, in favour of copying or following others – and what are the reasons. It is never too late to re-write your future plans based on your authentic self. All you have to do is to go back (in your mind’s eye) and relive those years when you wanted to be grown up and have boobs. Why did you want to grow up so fast, to become what? You had some amazing visions of being someone right? Write those dreams down today. This will become your compass for a bright and beautiful future.

It will help you judge yourself (fairly) on a daily basis, whether you are living towards your own authentic dreams – or are you living out the dreams of others. Make that choice today and always remember the oranges. Those were the most magic moments in our lives.

Faithfully your friend,

Thandi

,

DO YOU CARE WHAT OTHER TEENS THINK OF YOU

“It’s insecurity that is always chasing you and standing in the way of your dreams.” Vin Diesel

          Does it matter what other Teens think of you?

Yes it does on one level – because you can be guaranteed (in our Teen-world) that it won’t remain a thought for long before it is verbalised. That’s actually cool because then it is easier for you to deal with it. If it can be seen as constructive you can accept it and if it is not you can reject it. If it is spiteful or malicious you can deal with it by way of confrontation or ignore it.

If you get a lot of negative feedback from other Teens, it becomes necessary to ask for the opinions from people who know you well. It could be that you are creating a negative energy around you due to your own insecurity and it won’t help if you stay in denial. If we don’t learn how to accept constructive criticism we will always think of ourselves as the ‘good guy’ and everyone else are the bad guys.

Take a deep look at the facts as they present themselves. If some people like you as a person and others don’t, that’s fair. Not everyone is going to like us or get on with us. Some Teens are insecure in themselves which results in having to find fault with others to feel better about them-selves. These are the bullies or the teasers who have worse insecurities than you. The bottom line is if it is factual you can deal with it, one way or another, in the physical world.

But I am going to assume that this question is more about perception rather than fact.  Anyone can deal with facts but perception is more insidious as it has the potential for self-induced peer pressure.

A lot of our perceptions are unfounded. If someone gives you a look of disapproval, was it meant that way or did you take it up the wrong way? Sometimes the villains are only in our own minds.

If you are over-sensitive to what others think of you, you will become indecisive about every little thing and you will become easy to manipulate. If you can maintain some perspective, you could use this to your advantage.

Remember that insecurity is one of the elements of a low self-esteem and a low self-esteem is often the result of perceptions rather than facts. How do I get there? Well, if it was a fact you would be angry, right? You’d speak out and defend yourself. Whereas when it is a perception it usually creates hurt or anxiety. You can only explain what you perceived and that is not a good enough argument because it lacks facts.

So to get over your ultimate concern about what others think of you, here are some things you can start working on to lessen your concerns in real life.

  • Learn to laugh at the person criticising you and keep your humour. You can say “ You guys have some serious insecurity issues.” Keep it light and they are likely to go home and think about what you said………..You have passed the buck back.
  • If there are any lessons to be learnt from what they said, learn them and leave. Do not become obsessive about it.
  • Ignore jerks and egomaniacs. They are obvious enough.
  • Avoid the jealous and devious ones once you recognise them.
  • Be wary of praise too. Being overly grateful for good feedback is as dangerous as being over-sensitive to criticism.
  • If you are easily influenced by others, you need to develop your own character by focussing on what you are good at.
  • Do you have strong enough goals or are you still asking others what they want you to do – or think you should do?
  • If you had a debate team and had the opportunity to put questions to a villain, what would those questions be?
  • Then act the part of the villain, how would you answer the questions? Hmmm?

 As  James VD Beek states so clearly  “I think anybody with an insecurity (which is everyone) appreciates the fact that it is much easier to be the Predator than it is to be the Prey.” 

 

Faithfully your friend,

Thandi

 

“A lack of transparency results in distrust and a deep sense of insecurity.” Dalai Lama

ooooooOOOoooooo

“Insecurity is just something that’s there all the time. I’ve never been crippled by it.” Catherine Keener

ooooooOOOoooooo

“A COMPETENT AND SELF-CONFIDENT PERSON IS INCAPABLE OF JEALOUSY IN ANYTHING. JEALOUSY IS INVARIABLY A SYMPTOM OF NEUROTIC INSECURITY.” Robert A Heinlein